Here We Go Again

We have these people on our staff who are in charge of getting and organizing volunteers. They're wonderful, lovely, sincere young women. And they deserve better. Because every year, you people damn near give them ulcers. We need 1100 volunteers every year. One thousand one hundred. A lot. And every year we go down to wire getting enough. And who suffers? My volunteer procurement and management buddies.

I know you volunteered already because you rock. But what about that guy who works in the cubicle next door? How about those friends you're meeting for drinks tomorrow after work? Maybe that neighbor down the street who you see when she's walking that Irish Wolfhound? Would you do us a big favor and let them know how fun it is to work at Irish Fest? About all the great perks volunteers get?

If it helps, as in the past I've assembled our tried and true easy fill-in-the-blanks emails for you to use. Just add your details as needed and send. We'll do the rest.

_________________________

Dear_____________,

We’ve been friends for what, _____ years now? Well, I have to confess something. I’ve always had, well, certain feelings for you. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t help it. When I gaze into your __________ I just get this ____________feeling in my _____________. What is it about you that makes my _______________ get so ________________? Though you’re gorgeous and sexy and sensitive and intelligent and I love the way your ___________ moves when you ________________ , I think the thing that makes you so incredibly attractive is the way you’re so giving, caring and thoughtful. For instance, I bet you’ve already volunteered to work at this year’s Kansas City Irish Fest. That is so you, donating your time and talents like that to help KC’s best festival. Just thinking about the way that free volunteer t-shirt fits you makes me tingle like I’ve got a live__________ in my ___________ and it’s trying to get out. Honestly, I think if you weren’t the kind of person who’d volunteer for Irish Fest, I don’t think I’ve ever think about you this way. Then you’d just be another ____________ like _________ __________.

You know, I volunteered to work at Irish Fest too. Maybe since we’re both going to be there, we could get together after our shifts are over, have a cold ____________and some hot _______.

XOXO

Me

_________________________

Dear Friend,

Please allow me the pleasure of introducing myself. My name is Oboyo Poulaphouca and I am an exiled Nigerian prince from Nigeria. I have recently been given, for no apparent reason upwards of $1,000,000,000,000 US dollars by an official in my government, here in Nigeria which is where I am. Equally bizarrely but not made up, I have decided to contact you, a complete stranger, to have you accept receipt of these completely legitimate funds and keep a whopping big pile of dough for yourself for your troubles, like. As you can appreciate, what with me being an exiled prince and whatnot, this all must be done in the strictest secrecy. Shhh!

Here, my American friend and business partner, is "the skinny" on this deal, as we say over here in Nigeria: I have set up a secret web page and cleverly disguised it as the volunteer sign up form for an obscure American ethnic festival. You are to go to that site and "sign up" to work at this "festival". I shall have my operatives monitoring the site from Nigeria, which is where I am, no fooling, and watch for your name to appear. You are to attend this event at the time for which you signed up and work your shift as if the whole thing was an actual ethnic festival and not being staged totally as a cover for my transaction, because if officials of my government found out what was going on, they'd be plenty steamed, I can assure you. At the completion of your shift (or better yet, multiple shifts...you know, to confuse any government agents that might be milling around) you will be contacted by my representative (he may use the name "Regan" in order to fit in with the representative ethnic group) who will hand you, secretly, a big sack full of million dollar bills. Then when I arrive in America a few weeks later, you hand it back to me, keeping a sizable chunk for your assistance in this sensitive matter. Done and done. Plus you'll get an awesome free t-shirt, a ticket to the festival, and other great stuff. All in the interest of throwing off suspicious agents of my government who could be snooping around of course.

Blessings upon you my friend for accepting this completely non-bogus offer and for your kind assistance. I remind you again that this is a top secret e-mail intended only for you, my trusted friend and anybody else you'd care to forward it to. I remind you too that $1,000,000,000,000 will buy a gansey load of Boulevard beer at the sham festival. Just saying. Volunteer registration is open now!

Yours sincerely, way over here in Nigeria, no kidding,

Prince Oboyo Poulaphouca

____________________________

Hi ____________!

Long time no __________! I hope you and your lovely ___________ are doing well, and that the antibiotics cleared up that nasty _______________. Listen, I was just wondering what you were doing Labor Day weekend. Because as you now, that's when the 9th Annual Kansas City Irish Fest takes place at Crown Center. I was reading on the festival blog, (written by festival co-founder Dan Regan who writes about as well as a trained ____________ who's been drinking too much ____________) that they're still short on volunteers for this year. Can you imagine? What sort of _____________ wouldn't volunteer to work at Irish Fest? I've already signed up of course, but then I've always been more ____________ than you. But have you joined the Irish Fest team yet? You really should, even with your ________________ problem. You get a free t-shirt, a free ticket to the fest, and lots of other great stuff! Not even you are ____________ enough to pass up an offer like that! Plus, of course, you're helping put on Kansas City's best festival and that's gotta make you feel _____________. And hey, it's super easy to get signed up, too. All you have to do is go the www.kcirishfest.com and click on the "volunteers" page. We can work together! This will be as much fun as that time we drove to Mexico and ______________ that ______________ into the ________________, until the ________________ shot the ________________ and we had to ________________ the _________________ at the border and run for it. Man, I've still got cactus spines in my ___________ from that one. Anyway, you go get signed up and let's get together soon to makes plans for Irish Fest. I can't wait to see my favorite band ________________. And if I run into that Regan character, I'm going to tell him exactly what I think of him and his ____________ blog. ______________ing moron.

Toodles! Your friend, _______________.

________________________________

Hi (insert name of friend here)!

I was just thinking about you, as I often do, and thinking about all the fun we used to have doing (insert commonly held interest, hobby or fetish here). Remember that time in (insert name of city, fraternity, sorority, cell block or support group here) when we stole that (insert name of lawn ornament, farm animal or late model car here) and put it in (insert article of clothing, bathroom fixture or government office here)? Good times, good times. You know, we should spend more time together! And I have just the way to do it. Let's volunteer to work at Irish Fest! We get free T-shirts! We get free tickets! We get to meet and work with some of the nicest, most personable, intelligent people in town! We might even meet some cute Irish (insert gender, genders or species of choice here)! It's really easy too! Just go the volunteer page of www.kcirishfest.com and fill out the form.

Can't wait to work at Irish Fest with you, you silly (insert ethnic nickname, name of fuzzy animal or house plant here)! In the meantime, see you soon at (insert name of church, 12 step program or biker bar here).

Your Friend,

(insert your name, alias or federally provided witness protection program identity here)

__________________________________

Dear_______________ ,

Since you’re not nearly as cool as I am, you’re probably not aware that the 2011 Kansas City Irish Fest opens in just 30 days. You also probably don’t know that they need something like 27,000 volunteers to work at the fest. I work there every year myself. If you can even call it work. I have an entire collection of these kick ass volunteer t-shirts that they give you. I never have to pay to get in because I get a free ticket for volunteering. And best of all, as an Irish Fest volunteer, I’m part of the greatest team of people around. We’re like a really exclusive club. Or an elite team of Irish ninja assassins, only so far without the assassinating part. And–and I’m not guaranteeing that you’ll be this lucky–last year I even got to meet Irish Fest president Barney Walsh. Yes, in person.

Anyway, I think it’s time that you joined the team. There are lots of different areas in which to work–they’re all listed on the online volunteer sign up form–but here’s what you should do as a newbie: volunteer to work wherever they need you. Then you’re like an ultra-ninja. You can even write that on your name tag if you want, they won’t care.

So mark your calendar. September 2nd is the day. Www.kcirishfest.com is the place. And I’ll see you at the fest, in 30 days.

XXOO

Me