Beer School

When you get to Irish Fest, I bet there'll be one thing foremost on your mind: find the idiot that writes that festival blog and slap him upside the head. After that, I bet you'll be wanting to head to one of our many conveniently located beverage tents for a cold brew. Don't blame you a bit. Irish Fest and beer go together like cabbage and potatoes, like fiddles and bodhrans, like Irish Fest and more beer. When you get to those tents, you'll find them staffed by the smiling moms and dads of a local Catholic elementary school. Those folks aren't just there because they love us. Every sale they make puts money directly in the pocket of those schools, and that includes 100% of any tips you decide to leave. Last year through Irish Fest sales the schools participating took away some $1200 each, not including those tips. The schools also compete through their decor and enthusiasm for the coveted Spirit Award. Last year's winner, Holy Spirit Parish will proudly fly the pennant that declares them the reigning champs.

Tonight some of those volunteer beer pourers will attend the first of three mandatory training sessions. They'll be learning the ins and outs of getting you served promptly and efficiently. You need not go to a special patrons school, but you do need to know a few things before you head to the tent of your choice. Take your seats and we'll begin the lesson.

Lesson 1: No cash is accepted for purchase at the beverage tents. Only our green plastic tokens are valid for buying beer, wine, soda, water or anything thing else. Tokens are sold for cash or credit at a number of places throughout the fest, marked by bright gold banners. Make that one of your first stops when you arrive and stock up. Leftovers can always be used again next year.

Lesson 2: If you choose to tip your bartender-and we hope you will-don't drop those tokens in the tip jar, use money. 

Lesson 3: Inside every gate will be a place to get your ID checked, after which, assuming you're 21 or over, you'll be given a bracelet that tells your server that you're old enough to buy that beer. No ID, no bracelet, no beer and it doesn't even matter if you look as old as I do.

Lesson 4: You may purchase 2 alcoholic beverages per person per transaction. Sure you've only got two hands anyway. If you give one of those beers to somebody underage, you'll both be asked to leave by a big scary man who will not take no for an answer.

Lesson 5: If you've had enough, we'll stop serving you. Use your head.

Lesson 6: Those beer servers, even if they're your cousins or neighbors or bowling team members will not give you free beer. Because if they know if they do, two things will happen. They'll be be cheating their parish out of hard earned money because their take is based on sales, not volume. And they'll be tossed out of the fest. So no free beer. Don't ask.

Lesson 7: Please drink responsibly and if you're driving, have a Pepsi instead. Or book that hotel room and walk to bed.

That's it. Easy. Much better than how we used to do it.

Class dismissed.