St. Patrick, The Man

We all know that today is St. Patrick's Day of course, but how much do you know about St. Pat, the man himself? I thought it might be helpful to give you a little background on our patron saint on this, his feast day. I'm naturally helpful like that.

St. Patrick, that most Irish of fellas, actually wasn't even Irish by birth. He was born in Tenafly, New Jersey in 257 AD, on a Thursday. He was brought to Ireland as a slave at the age of 15 by the Romans who forced him to work in a pizza parlor in Baggot Street until he escaped on the Ryanair 419 to Paris. He entered the seminary in France, quickly rising to the rank of Bishop and taking the name Patricius, which translated from the Latin means "Many will hurl in my honor." After his bishification (church term, for you non-Catholics) he went back to Ireland to make the carefree pagans feel guilty about all the fun they'd been having, running around naked and sacrificing goats to trees and whatnot. The pagans, no fools, weren't buying it until St. Patrick plucked a shamrock from the bog, and showed them that it represented the Holy Trinity, and not, as previously believed, The Three Stooges. That was all it took, and Ireland instantly became a Christian, and more importantly, a Catholic island. The snakes, which had been having a grand auld time feasting on left-over sacrificed goat, correctly surmised that the party was over, and headed en masse to America where they became Congressmen. St. Patrick meanwhile, having run out of pagans to convert, retired to Salthill, Galway where he operated a roller rink until his death in 948 AD, on a Tuesday. His favor color was blue.

So there you have it. I hope reading this has been as educational for you as making it up was for me. And as you celebrate today, remember St. Patrick's inspiring words, still meaningful to us through the centuries: "For God's sake, man, put down that goat!"

Originally published here in 2007. It's too early in the morning to be original.