Story Time

Ho ho ho, kiddies. Step on in to Uncle Bloggy's Story Igloo. It's time for a special holiday tale, because you've all been bad. Straighten up next year and maybe you'll get toys or something instead of a stupid story. Now one of you little elves grab Uncle Bloggy a bottle of his special Boulevard Christmas juice out the fridge and we'll get started.

I want to tell you the story, heretofore unknown, about how Irish Fest saved Christmas. Yeah, I said 'heretofore'. So what? Uncle Bloggy can't flex the vocab muscle every once in awhile? Anyway here's how it happened. It was a few days before Christmas and up at the North Pole, old Santy was busy with his prep work. Christmas Eve would be here soon and there were the lists to check twice, the sleigh runners to wax, an elf union movement to crush, and of course the reindeer to get in shape. This reindeer training might be the most important thing that goes on up there in the days and weeks before Christmas. I mean, think about it. The toys don't really matter. Santa can bring you any old piece of crap toy and what are you going to do about it? You can't return it and he doesn't have a complaint department. You'll take it and like it. Years from now when you're a grown up like me you might even look back on it as the best present you ever got, because grown ups, as you know, are crazy.

But imagine if for some reason, the reindeer couldn't fly? What do you get for Christmas then? Nothing, that's what. A big fat stocking full of zilch. Luckily for all the kids in the world, for hundreds of Christmases that dreadful scenario had never played out. Until now. Duh-duh-duhnnnnnnnnn...

It all started when Blitzen went to Cancun for spring break. Speaking of which, Uncle Bloggy could use another liquid refreshment, kid by the fridge. Anyhoo, when Blitzen came back to the workshop at the north pole from Mexico, he brought back more than a tan and a lot of souvenir shot glasses. He brought back the old H1N1, and that doesn't stand for Holly and Nog. Yes kids, the Swine Flu. And the reindeer didn't. That germ spread through the reindeer stables like an elf fart on a windy day. Before long all eight of the reindeer, and their back-ups* were laid up with the flu. Santa was grounded. No way to deliver toys to millions of good little girls and boys. And Christmas was just hours away.

Can you feel the tension? Can you stand the excitement? Can you stop jumping on Uncle Bloggy's couch please, you little...?

What could Santa do? He called an emergency meeting of his top-shelf elves to brainstorm. Conventional air travel was out of the question. At $15 per checked bag, it would cost Santa millions. Plus with flights they way are, he wouldn't finish his rounds until President's Day. Driving, ships, chartered helicopters, dogsled, Seqway...all unworkable for various and I should think obvious reasons. Then Santa's smartest, most senior elf, Diarmuid, spoke up. "Santa, me boyo" said Diarmuid, "Sure, I t'ink I know what to do." He whipped out his cell phone. "Get me...Ed Follis!"

I know, right?? The North Pole calling the Kansas City Irish Fest president! On a Kansas City based Sprint** cell phone! To save Christmas, no less! How cool is that? And I know this happened because I was sitting at the stool right next to Ed when the call came through. What's that? No, kid, we were not in a bar. And even if we were, we were probably talking about official Irish Fest business anyway. So back off.

Well, it took only a quick conversation on the phone with Diarmuid, one more round of "official Irish Fest business" and Ed and I snapped into action.

What would we do? Could we save Christmas? Could we help Santa get the toys delivered? Will you please get off the couch!??!?

The exciting conclusion...tomorrow.

*It's a little known fact that Santa keeps a stable of magic flying badgers on hand for emergencies. If you've ever harnessed eight badgers together, you'll understand why he's hesitant to use this back up plan.

**Dear Sprint, Irish Fest sponsor packages are available now for 2010. Let's talk.