One Week Out, We Review the Rules

Hard to believe it. After a year's work, we open a week from today. So before you put on your green afro wig and throw the kids in the minivan to head our way, let's go over our simple, reasonable and easy to follow ground rules, shall we?

1. Regular readers know that I have a big black dog named Dugan. You know where Dugan will spending Irish Fest weekend? Elsewhere. Not even us bigwigs can bring our furry best friends on to the Irish Fest grounds. Dogs, cats, ferrets, toucans...pets of any kind need to sit this one out, with the exception of legitimate service animals. And it goes without saying that the spider monkey you trained to make beer runs does not fall into the "legitimate service animals" category. It also goes without saying that I'd like to borrow that monkey this weekend.

2. Bring your appetite and thirst. Do not bring coolers, thermoses, bags, flasks, goatskins, bottles or cans filled with outside food and drink. We'll have truckloads of great food of every stripe and oceans of refreshing beverages. You've got enough to worry about without having to pack a weekend's worth of food. Leave it at home for the monkey.

3. Regarding those refreshing beverages, for instructions on how to get one, see the post below this one. Regarding Missouri state liquor laws, underage (under 21) drinkers or people attempting to purchase alcohol for those under 21 will be branded, fitted with shock collars and unceremoniously tossed out on their arses. Plus we'll make fun of the way you were dressed after you're gone. We also reserve the right, and will not hesitate to suspend service to patrons who we believe have had enough. And those good looking, talented, fun loving volunteer bartenders will not give you free beer no matter how nicely you ask. So don't.

4. Bring a comfy lawn chair if you like. Bring a small bumbershoot to protect your pale Celtic hide from the Midwestern sun. Bring a blanket to spread on the lawn. Don't bring a giant canopy, tent or patio umbrella. They tend to block the view of that guy behind you and he looks mean.

5. Your admission ticket is good for the whole day and night that you use it. Come and go as you like. You can get a stamp at the gate to return all day. Maybe pop over to your hotel room for a nice shower. Seriously. You're drawing flies, Sweaty McStinkerson.

6. You know what's fun? Those little Razor scooters. And skateboards. And bikes, unicycles and roller skates. Fun, fun, fun. You know where they're fun? At home. You may not bring any of them onto the Irish Fest grounds.

7. If you're running for office, circulating a petition, raising money for the Committee To Save The Balinese Beer Fetching Monkeys, or passing out brochures on why nobody but you should have health care coverage, don't do it at Irish Fest. No materials may be distributed on our grounds without our permission, which we are not going to give you. We're cranky like that.

8. If you happen to be a tiny baby and ride around in a stroller, bring that bad boy along. Bring your favorite grown-up to push it. We'll have starpping young volunteers to help you get it up the stairs. If you ride around in a wheelchair, we've got a whole staff of people here to help you navigate the terraces. Elevators are available in the parking garages and we'll have a ramp to make getting from street level to the Terrace Stage level easier. No wheelchair drag racing please, at least until I've had a chance to place a bet.

9. If you have foolishly decided not to heed my frequent advice about booking a discounted hotel room and insist on driving to and from Irish Fest every day, we've got thousands of covered parking spaces right here on the site, including designated handicapped parking. And parking as always is free.

10. If you are looking for something you can't find, have a question you need answered, or a problem you need solved, ask us. The place will be literally crawling with friendly, knowledgeable staff and volunteers. Our highly trained Site Hosts, in their bright gold shirts are our first line ambassadors. They have never yet been posed a problem they couldn't solve. Try 'em if you don't believe me. Our senior staff members will be in grey shirts with the word "STAFF" in big letters on the back, a big tag around their necks that says "STAFF" on the front and in many cases a big tattoo that says "STAFF" on places you'll have to ask really politely to see. Our site hosts live to assist you. They are bred and trained from birth in special camps just to make your Irish Fest weekend a pleasant one. Our hundreds of other volunteers in appropriately labeled white shirts will be everywhere waiting to help make your stay with us the best it can be. My fellow directors and I will be surveying the scene from our upper floor suite, eating bonbons, getting foot massages and sipping cognac...fetched for us, incidentally, by trained monkeys. Don't bother us. We're important people, Paddy.

11. No weapons, concealed or otherwise. And yes, that means you too, Mr. Giant-Sword-Carrying-Mug-On-a-Belt-Kilt-Guy.

12. Above all, have fun. We do this for you. Well, you and the free beer at our monthly meetings.

It's going to be a great year.