Rules Review Redux

You're probably packing your bags, ironing your best "Spank Me I'm Irish" t-shirt, and running the highlighter over the list of bands you don't want to miss at Irish Fest this year. So here, just a scant day over three weeks 'til we open, it seems like as good a time as any to once again go over the rules. Oh yes, we have rules.

1. Regular readers know that I have a big black dog named Dugan. You know where Dugan will spending Irish Fest weekend? Elsewhere. Not even us bigwigs can bring our furry best friends on to the Irish Fest grounds. Dogs, cats, ferrets, toucans...pets of any kind need to sit this one out, with the exception of legitimate service animals. And it goes without saying that the spider monkey you trained to make beer runs does not fall into the "legitimate service animals" category. It also goes without saying that I'd like to borrow that monkey next weekend.

2. Bring your appetite and thirst. Do not bring coolers, thermoses, bags, flasks, goatskins, bottles or cans filled with outside food and drink. We'll have truckloads of great food of every stripe and oceans of refreshing beverages. You've got enough to worry about without having to pack a weekend's worth of food. Leave it at home for the monkey.

3. Regarding those refreshing beverages; if you plan on consuming the kind with alcohol in them, be 21 or older and prepared to prove it. You'll be asked to show a valid photo ID to get a wristband allowing beer and wine purchases. Underage drinkers or people attempting to purchase alcohol for those under 21 will be branded, fitted with shock collars and unceremoniously tossed out on their arses. Plus we'll make fun of the way you were dressed after you're gone. We also reserve the right, and will not hesitate to suspend service to patrons who we believe have had enough. Most importantly, remember: NO CASH WILL BE ACCEPTED AT IRISH FEST BEVERAGE TENTS! We will be 100% tokens at those tents, and we won't be making exceptions. Tokens will be available for purchase by cash or credit card at numerous locations throughout the fest.

4. Bring a comfy lawn chair if you like. Bring a small bumbershoot to protect your pale Celtic hide from the Midwestern sun. Bring a blanket to spread on the lawn. Don't bring a giant canopy, tent or patio umbrella. They tend to block the view of that guy behind you and he looks mean.

5. Your admission ticket is good for the whole day and night that you use it. Come and go as you like. You can get a stamp at the gate to return all day. Maybe pop over to your hotel room for a nice shower. Seriously. You're drawing flies, Sweaty McStinkerson.

6. You know what's fun? Those little Razor scooters. And skateboards. And bikes, unicycles and rollerskates. Fun, fun, fun. You know where they're fun? At home. You may not bring any of them onto the Irish Fest grounds.

7. It's an election year, and we wish you all the luck in the world with your upcoming campaign for County Assistant to the Deputy Street Sweeper and your petition drive to save the endangered Balinese beer-fetching monkeys. We know you love Barack and John and want us to love them too. Really we do. But you may not pass out your campaign materials or gather signatures at the Kansas City Irish Fest.

8. If you are a tiny baby and ride around in a stroller, bring that bad boy along. Bring your favorite grown-up to push it. If you ride around in a wheelchair, we've got a whole staff of people here to help you navigate the terraces. Again this year, we'll even have a ramp to make getting from street level to the Terrace Stage level easier. No drag racing please, at least until I've had a chance to place a bet.

9. If you have foolishly decided not to heed my advice about booking a hotel room and insist on driving, we've got thousands of covered parking spaces right here on the site, including designated handicapped parking.

10. If you are looking for something you can't find, have a question you need answered, or a problem you need solved, ask us. The place will be literally crawling with friendly, knowledgeable staff and volunteers. Our highly trained Site Hosts, in their bright gold shirts are our first line ambassadors. They have never yet been posed a problem they couldn't solve. Try 'em if you don't believe me. Our senior staff members will be in grey shirts with the word "STAFF" in big letters on the back, and a big tag around their necks that says "STAFF" on the front. They live to assist you. Our hundreds of volunteers in appropriately labeled white shirts will be everywhere waiting to help make your stay with us more pleasant. Our directors will be surveying the scene from their suite, eating bonbons, getting foot massages and sipping cognac...fetched for us, incidentally, by trained monkeys. Don't bother us.

11. Above all, have fun. We do this for you. Well, you and the free beer at our monthly meetings.

It's going to be a great year.