Practical Poetry

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and you need to give your darling a card. This isn't optional, boys and girls. And I don't just say that because I work in the "social expression industry" (and yes, that's really what they call it). No, you gotta give a Valentine's Day card tomorrow because...well, that's just what you do. Would you celebrate Christmas without hanging a tree by the fireplace? Would you trick or treat on Halloween without a mask and a gun? Would you let Labor Day go by without going into labor? Of course not.

But I admit, finding just the right card can be difficult. Luckily, you have my vast experience as both greeting card maker and Irish Fest planner at your finger tips. Below are two original, heartfelt, personal and sincere sentiments that can used on anybody. There's one for women, one for men. If you're involved with some third option, you're on your own, buddy.

So just copy one of these babies onto a glittery construction paper heart or the tissue paper inside a box of candy and you're guaranteed a blissful Valentine's Day, and maybe some action. You're welcome.

For Him:

My darling large and studly man
You're such a virile hunk
Your loving touch intoxicates
And that's why I seem drunk.

But Honey, if you're wondering
Which gift for me is best
It isn't roses, gems or sweets
Take me to Irish Fest!

For Her:

Baby, how you make me feel!
My savage heart you tame.
And I will show you all my love
When I'm done with this game.

And baby, when we're all alone
In our cozy warm love nest
I'll whisper what you long to hear
"Just six months 'til Irish Fest."

You are so gonna get lucky. Happy Valentine's Day.