新年快乐

Happy Year Of The Rat, everybody. Yeah, I know it's not exactly Irish, but what the hell. A holiday's a holiday. Now believe it or not, I'm not Chinese so I had to do a little research into this Year Of The Rat thing. The Chinese, like the Irish, appear to be a superstitious people and I found a helpful list of things for you not to do today to avoid a whole year of bad luck. Although a whole year dedicated to a rat doesn't sound like much of a picnic to begin with.

• Don't buy shoes today. The word "shoes" is a homophone for the word for "rough" in Cantonese, or "evil" in Mandarin. Plus, you just bought shoes. You think we're made of money? For the love of Mike, how many pairs of shoes does one woman need?

• Buying a pair of pants today is considered bad luck. The word "pants"(kù) is a homophone for the word for "bitter"(kŭ) in Cantonese. Just to be on the safe side, don't even wear pants today. That's my plan.

• Don't wash your hair today, because you'll be washing away your remaining good luck. What the hell, don't comb it either. Year of the rat and all. And besides, even though shoes and pants are out, it doesn't say anything about hats.

• Don't sweep the floor. Similar reasoning here: you'll be sweeping away the good luck left over from last year. I'm totally down with this one. I've got months of good luck laying around up against the baseboards, mixed up with dog hair, Boulevard bottle caps and popcorn kernels.

• Don't talk about death for the first few days of the new year. This one will be difficult, if not impossible for the Irish. How many of you have already read the obituaries this morning? I have. I don't know too many Irish that can get through lunch without talking about death, let alone a few days.

• Buying books today is bad luck because the word for "book" is a homonym to the word "lose". Hey, another homonym for "lose" is "booze." And it's New Year's. See yiz at the pub. I'll be the one with no pants on, wearing a hat.

And happy new year!